the four right chords can make me cry

Haha, seems like i only blog to tell people that i will not be blogging. The irony.
This time i'll be at scamp, aka nus science camp, where i hope to meet fellow nerdlings who will accept me into their group and we shall crusade against the popular people (silently, of course). Ok, crazy talk. But yeah, i'm having the residual i-wont-fit-in doubts, although all my friends say thats just stupid, that i will be fine. But they dont know me, they dont know that just a few years ago i was a misanthrope. (you dont know what a misanthrope is, do you)
gargh. and they have a clubbing night. I am rather ambivalent about clubbing. I'm not one of those cool people, the fact that i can put on my own clothes is quite an achievement in itself, so you can imagine how unfashionable my dress sense is. And clubbing seems to be so much about your appearance, superficial. Furthermore, i dont dance. Im stiff, im awkward, SO awkward.
and yet, a part of me wishes i could be that funky dancing queen (y'know, dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen?) haha, pretty outdated yes.
Clubbing makes me feel like a child compared to my peers. It makes me feel like im lousy, fat, cant dance, and dont know the names of all the drinks. Toxic to my self esteem. But yet i went on mandy's birthday, hoping against hope that it wasnt true. Stupid.
The tension, the desire to conform to the standards of this world, the desire to live the Christian life, tension tension tension. God says that my identity is secure in Him, and I have an intellectual agreement with that. But in my life, I still live like I need to be like everyone else before i can accept myself. Times like these i really need to remind myself of the Truth and hold on to it unswervingly. But MAN, its tough.

On another note, zhen hong got fired today. He got caught smoking in the back. Kinda sad, cos he really was a nice guy, always help me carry stuff. Haha, at least they cant tease me about him anymore. But should still see him around in NUS la, i think. First time i've ever seen anyone get fired! Actually, just saw him taking off his apron and getting his bag, then asked him how come he could go home so early (cos sometimes if its not busy a few ppl are let off first). At first he just smiled and said "yeah going home earlier than you, haha". It was only 5 minutes later that i found out that Ben had actually fired him over the phone. Weird.

I'm very easily conned, yes.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:59 AM